February 1, 2011

What's Wrong With Me?

"What's wrong with me? How come I'm not... {fill in the blank}?"

That negative train of thought plows full steam ahead to a blown-out bridge. The only way is down.

What if we jumped off that train, 007 style, onto a train headed in the opposite direction? I was challenged to take that leap this summer...

Single and in my early 30's illicits responses akin to: “Why aren’t you married? You’re too sweet! You’re so pretty. But you’re so good with kids!”

My inward response, accompanying the clinching of my jaw through a forced smile is something sassy like, “If I knew what the problem was, I’d fix it.”

Perhaps the grace has worn off, my hope has run out and disappointment has rendered me jaded. But the married well-meaners attempting to make me feel normal for being SWNK is hurtful and my faith is dampened. Not only that, but it turns me off from wanting to engage in any conversation about marriage. Including conversations with the Lord.

Honestly, I avoid talking about how I dream of marriage. And not just the fairy tale part, because I’m a realist. I’ve dated. I’ll leave the rainbow connection to the dreamers, lovers and Kermit. Bring on the nitty-gritty, can’t-stand-your-face much less the-way-you-breathe stuff. Because on the flip side of that is the nitty-gritty, can’t-stand-life-without-you stuff.

All but 3.5 of my friends are married, so ask me anything about marriage and I’ll probably know the answer. Now don’t get me wrong — I really do love hearing stories, but I long to be able to share my own marriage stories in return. So I compare myself with those who are married and ride the negative train of thought all the way out of town. Why them and not me? What have I done that exempts me from marriage? What's wrong with me?

Recently God took extreme measures to speak to me about my doubts, fear, hopes and dreams. He literally took me around the world, to El Salvador, to present me with truth He’d been trying to tell me for years.

On the way to the airport, my friend, Brad, started talking with me about marriage. My guard went up. But this conversation was different. It was as if the Lord gave Brad x-ray vision into the recesses of my heart.

“It haunts you, doesn’t it? It keeps you up at night. Wondering ‘Why aren’t I married? What’s wrong with me?’ I know, because it once haunted me, too.”

Then God used five little words to wash the pain and doubts away.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

At that moment, “trapped” in a conversation I didn’t ask for on a bus halfway across the globe, all the “whys” were left voiceless from one simple voice of truth…His truth. It put the breaks on the negative train of thought, and gave me a pause to jump off.

That is the same message I share today, with you. There is nothing wrong with you. You don’t have to be funnier, cuter, quieter, trendier, spiritualer. Rather than defending yourself from other people’s whys and your own personal questions, I encourage you to let those five words fight for you as they did for me. If for no other reason, because they are true. There is nothing wrong with you.

Brad was so gracious to tell his side of the story with my She Seeks gals.

There is no flaw in you.
~Song of Solomon 4


Melissa Taylor said...

That's right Sam, NO FLAW IN YOU! You are one of my BFFs and I truly mean that!

The Lord has blessed me with you. He also blessed me tonight by reading your blog.

Although I don't relate to your situation, I do relate to the question "What's wrong with me?" in certain areas of my own life.

Thanks for your complete authenticity. Love you!

Donna Tiller said...

How Truly BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE SAM...inside and on the outside!!! The LORD is using you in ways you will not know until you embrace eternity, and meet all the people who lives are being changed, because as a Chosen Vessel of GOD you're allowing yourself to be poured out, so HIS SPIRIT can continually fill you to overflowing, and others can drink of HIS WATER and know HIS LOVE. You Are So BEAUTIFUL...and I am So THANKFUL that our paths have crossed, because my life is so much richer because I have truly met one of GOD'S Most Precious Servants and my life is better because of CHRIST in You. I love you Sam!

Sharon Sloan - Joy In The Truth said...

I don't know Brad, but I love him for speaking the TRUTH to you, beautiful sister!!!!

LLambert said...

Thanks, that's just what i needed to hear!!

Eileen said...

Oh Sam! What a great post. I want to reiterate the theme of your post...there aint nothing wrong with you! I made the mistake of not trusting God in my early 20s and settled for someone who was so wrong for me..a very unhealthy relationship. We divorced and I finally understood that I needed to trust God and wait for His timing. He knows what is best for us! He brought Roger into my life. A 39 year old man who had NEVER been married. I remember thinking that something had to be wrong...he was SUCH a great guy...why hadn't he been snatched up, Lord?? Eight years later, I am SO thankful that my husband didn't settle. I get to share my life with this beautiful man who waited for God's timing. Keep trusting Him!

laura said...

I've come to your blog via Melissa Taylor and I cann't begin to explain how much this post has spoken to me, going to print it out tomorrow at work, thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty that has made me feel less like there must be something wrong with me!

Nicole said...

Dear Sam,

Thank God for you and this blog. I am so jumping off of my train wreck of bad thoughts and getting on the right track. I have been going through so much and have been so down and beating myself up but God has been speaking to me about seeing myself through His eyes and I thank you for being a vessel! Nicole :)

Fields of gold said...


Thank you for hopping over from Melissa's blog! I pray God's truths run deep deep deeper still into those places the world's hurts and the enemies lies would leave you to wither in pain.

And that healing and truth resonate and blow refreshing spring breeze throughout your spirit.

Blessings to you friend!

Fields of gold said...

Hi Nicole!

Thank you for visiting and jumping off the {negative} train of thought!! Sister, I know that it's easy to beat ourselves up. But girl, you are worth more than that. You were created by Someone who thinks of whole lot of you and you!!

There is nothing wrong with you. Nothing! Hold onto that truth sweet Nicole! :)

Karen Green said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Karen Green said...

Wow. This truth resonates with me. It's not only younger women who long for that someone. I think I needed to hear Brad tell me what I already knew. It's not about me. I have a man who is in my life...Jesus is that intimate connection for me. And I love what he has made me through the years. It is a precious thought though that there may be a man who is also resting, unawakened to what God has for him...set aside for me to step into his life. Maybe his eyes are specifically made to be opened to what Jesus finds beautiful in me. Neat thought. I will continue to rest.

Fields of gold said...

Dear Karen,

Wonderful truths you shared.... Jesus is the greatest love of our lives! I pray as you wait, He fills you with hope and faith. Thanks for sharing your heart!

Rest well my friend! :)