March 20, 2011

This is Not an Easy One to Slay

What is the sound of your heart? The natural rhythm of valves opening and closing, pattering a confident whoosh, whoosh; whoosh whoosh? Or does your heart quietly scrape by, too hampered by loneliness to fully open?

My two tons on wheels should naturally purr and hum. But, like molars grinding, my car scraps metal against metal. A year later, three mechanics and I aren't sure why. The grind has become white noise; so familiar now I drive along in Pavlovian conditioned oblivion. I'm lulled into forgetting an underlying problem persists.

So it was with my heart for years. My problem was named Loneliness. It quietly grinded within my heart, begetting general despair; a gloom that lingered. Its white noise created the soundtrack of sadness that gave the melody to conversations, decisions, emotions. How long my heart's eyes and valves refused to open!

No definitive moment turned me around or caused Loneliness to back down. I can only say I simply came to the point where

the pain of staying the same was worse than the pain of change

Change asked soul-shaking questions. And morphed the once comforting white noise into squawking gulls, hungrily dive bombing at my exposed heart.

Which emotion is more comfortable: self-pity or courage?
When is the last time I invited friends out or over?
Where do I turn more: Worry or the Word? Tears or Truth?
Would I rather hold onto loneliness than love?

The questions hurt. I realized though, that the answers were hurting me {and my relationships} more. Change begets change. And so an awareness of the sedating noise of loneliness meant a new perspective was needed. Instead of a dirge as my theme song when:

facebook informs me friends hung out- without me ... again
checking "attending solo" on the party invite

listening to wedding plans that aren't my own

there's not one familiar face at church

facing bumps in the night alone


I choose to sing a harmony with the Lord. He's the most effective antidote to the poison of loneliness. For he himself is our peace {Eph 4}. I could rationalize out the wazoo why my friends didn't include me; why I'm single; what the noises are. But none of those answers bring me peace. Only Jesus and His truth does.

Shhh... listen. What do you hear? The white noise of loneliness or the grace and truth of Jesus' voice? Today, may I encourage you? Now choose life... listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life... {Deut 30}

Friend, I know... I know... loneliness is a consuming fierce beast; not an easy one to slay. I'm jumping off this train with you by soaking in the Word. Today, can we open our hearts and ears to hear the Word and allow it to fill what loneliness has left void? Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you {Deut 31}.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Are you ready to jump off the train of negative thoughts? Leave behind thoughts of being unlovable, wounds caused by sexual abuse, ties to old {unhealthy} relationships, and more with us. Click here to read more, and welcome friend! We're so glad you're here.

20 comments:

phzlt said...

I love this. Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing your beautiful heart.

Leebird said...

Love you sweet Sam. Thank you for opening your heart so we can see how He's working.

Fields of gold said...

Thank you Patti! God is my rock and my shield. One of my fav verses is "Zechariah 9:12
Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you."

I see Him doing that day by day as I rest in Him, my fortress.

Fields of gold said...

Thank you LB!! Truly we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and our testimonies!

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Thanks Sam!
You are an example for so many in this.
I emailed it to a dear friend of mine.

Love,

Wendelijn

Kandi said...

I know that fierce beast of lonliness all to well. it goes hand in hand with so many things. I seperated myself from the rest of the world for so long, afraid that if they saw the real me they would not want to be my friend, so it was just easier to be alone. I jumped off that train of lonliness a long time ago. When I let people see the real me, they opened up to me their raw places, their vulnerabilites that they to kept hidden, for the same reasons I did, fear of rejection. Great post Sam.

Blessings.

Anonymous said...

This is good, Sam. I think that I have been conditioned too long to the white noise of my life as well. As I read through, I had this picture of jumping off the train of negative thought, but rather landing on the ground and tumbling in the dust (picture the movies and the hesitation before the jump - that's me) I jumped into a refreshing river... His. Thanks for the post.

~ Rebecca R.

Lisa said...

Beautiful post. We can always run to God. He will never leave us nor forsake us and He can heal our broken hearts.

Eileen said...

"the pain of staying the same was worse than the pain of change"

Oh boy, I think that sentence right there will resonate with so many readers. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sometimes we have to exhaust all the why questions before we get to this point. "Why am I in this situation?" We have to get to that point where we are willing to let go and just trust that God DOES have a plan. Great post!

Fields of gold said...

Aw, Wendelijn,

You are so very dear! Thank you for sharing and for your thoughtful words.

Your faith inspires me!

xoxo,
Sam

Fields of gold said...

Kandi, what an inspiring and powerful testimony! So glad you left that train behind and are helping others jump off their negative trains too.

Sweet sweet!

Thanks!
Sam

Fields of gold said...

Thanks Becky! It hit me the other day that I've let loneliness dictate my decisions, emotions and many relationships. I didn't want to live under its cruel, isolating, gloom any longer. I want to "live and let live"!! Praying the same for you!!

Fields of gold said...

Lisa, Such true, delightful words... He never leaves... He heals... love it! Thanks friend!

Fields of gold said...

Eileen, great way to put it! Truly I was sick and tired of being sick and tired from loneliness... really ready to l-i--v-e!! I always enjoy you sharing your wisdom!!

connecting with the soul said...

loneliness can come in so many forms. Thank goodness Jesus is there watching and waiting for us.

Follow2Serve {Lorna} said...

Again. . . beautifully written, well said, and so openly honest. Just remember that "loneliness" is the same as "lone - li{e} - ness".

stephanie said...

You write so very beautifully dearest Sam! Lonliness is a fierce beast indeed. Praying you will be able to lay it at the foot of the cross, leave it, and let it die!!! Because you are much to beautiful of a soul to be burdened by lonliness. Praying your cup overflows with the closeness of His spirit ever near you!!!

Fields of gold said...

Debi, I am utterly grateful Jesus is watching over us. He's an awesome Shepherd!

Fields of gold said...

Lorna, thanks so much! What a neat way to put it: "lone-li(e)-ness." That is so true!!

Fields of gold said...

Thank you for your sweet words Stephanie! I spent a long time at the foot of the cross this evening, giving Him everything! I so appreicate your prayers!!